I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
