I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
