If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
don't judge my taste in strippers
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
