How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
