I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
