He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
