I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
