remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
