remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
