It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
