I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
