You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
