Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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