watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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