I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
