Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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