I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
