I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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