Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
