While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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