Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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