Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
