you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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