I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
