Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
