Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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