hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
