Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
