I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
