apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
