One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
this hospital has no fireball
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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