I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
