did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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