i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
