who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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