They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
