i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
