I'm eating all of the evidence.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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