she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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