You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
