I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
