Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
