you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
