I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
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