I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
