god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
