3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
