I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
