so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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