Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
