Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
